This Woman's Worth

31 October 2005


Simple title... simple post.

Tonight I'm riding over to my sister's house to help her children, and my mother, with Halloween. Watching my niece and nephew celebrate Halloween over the years brings back memories each year. This year my niece is going to be a fairy with two of her friends. My nephew is going to some friends house to set off fireworks and have a blazing bonfire.

Yesterday afternoon, my niece and I started carving a pumpkin at 5:30pm. We didn't finish till 6:30pm. I didn't know carving a pumpkin was so tedious! But, it was a lot of fun! The pumpkin now looks like a Japanese jack-o-lantern. It's eyes are slanted like a Japanese persons eyes, and I promise you they look NOT a like. LOL Each eye is very unique. LOL I didn't have a pumpkin carving kit, so I was stuck with a steak knife, a spoon to gut the pumpkin, and a pen to draw the face. Our pumpkin is pretty cool looking! I'll post a pic just as soon as I figure out how to do that! My niece wanted to carve TWO pumpkins, but ummm... ONE was enough.

After we gutted the pumpkin and carved it, we toasted the seeds and ate some of them. We have some leftover for today! I love pumpkin seeds.

I keep remembering the year I dressed up as a clown. I was in the 1st or second grade. My costume consisted of a white shirt underneath green with white polka dotted suspenders. My big ole clown hat was also green with white polka dots. My mom took her time and put my makeup on: white base makeup, big red lips, happy eyes with big red circles on my cheeks. I even had the big green clown shoes. *hmmm... maybe this is why I'm scared of clowns*

Let's remember, I'm scared to death of clowns!!!! I dressed up as a clown, but I never looked in the mirror while I was in costume.

My family and I attended a Halloween costume party at the local golfclub. We bobbed for apples, played other games, had our fortunes told, and participated in the costume contest. Let's remember, I had bobbed for apples, so my clown makeup was ruined. So, I'm standing in the midst of all these people who took the time to dress up and apply makeup to make their costume even more unique, and.....



I enjoy Halloween. It brings out the kid in me, like other holidays. There were years where I dressed up as a witch (with long green fingernails), a dead cheerleader, and other things. In 2003, I drove down from Baltimore to take my niece trick-or-treating, because two weeks later I was having major surgery, I had cancer, I didn't wanna miss out on anything! I even dressed up to take her trick or treating. I wore a red, long haired wig, a form fitting dressed, fishnets, and black heels. The costume was supposed to be a type of witch. My nephew said I looked like the chick from CHARMED. My brother in law said I looked like I was going "trickin". It was fun times. My niece got an ass of candy, and quite a few fathers flirted with me.

Then there was one year where I was traveling to my sister's house to help her with a Halloween party. I was driving I-20 West, and about 15 minutes from her house, my car started "puttin". I had a quarter tank of gas according to the guage, but my car was shutting off and I was in the left (the fast) lane. I threw on my flashers and cruised to the side of the interstate. As soon as I got off the Interstate, my car shut off. I was out of gas. Someone wasn't interested in treating me that year, I was tricked. I had water in my gas tank. LOL My bro in law sent two of his friends with gas to fill up my car so I could get to their house. What a memory. LOL

Today I woke up to see what the personalities of The Today Show dressed up as. Katie was Marilyn Monroe (Material girl Madonna), some chick was Snow White, the white anchor... his name is Brian maybe?... dressed up as Batman... and he was looking kinda sexy in that costume! And Al Roker was dressed up as Robin... and was looking kinda sexy in all those muscles that were involved with his costume!

Then Regis and Kelly came on... LMAO... They were dressed up as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Kelly's lips kept falling off!!! It was quite humorous. She made several remarks about adopting people and children.

So... tonight... I'm putting on makeup and looking the part of a witch... per my niece's request. The rest of my body won't have a costume. So, I guess I'll have to crawl on the floor and peek around the front door with just my head in order to hand out candy! LOL I'm debating on whether or not to put on makeup and scare trick or treaters. I've always wanted to play a trick on someone on Halloween, but I'm not that creative. Anyone have any suggestions?

29 October 2005

updates and useless information

1. S. Carolina BEAT Tennessee AT Tennessee!!!!!! It was a wet ya pants kinda win!!! Maybe the chicken curse is ova..... *on knees praying that it is*

2. EVERYONE MUST GO READ LUKE'S THE RAVE PARTS 1 AND 2!!!! Thanks for the love Luke!!! (ya gotta click on "blog")

3. Can someone teach me how to hyperlink?... is that what it's called? Where a word or phrase is highlighted and when you click it, it takes u straight to the link... I'm tired of having to search, copy, and past links. THANKS!

4. Uncle Frank... MnM started some mess up in here! Can I borrow your security?

5. I'm going to ATL next weekend! HEY GRAYSE... U hear that? I AM COMING TO THE ATL NEXT WEEKEND GIRL!!!!

6. My reason for going to the ATL next weekend? heehee... Let's just say I was reunited with someone from college. And, well, we both found out that it should not have taken us 10 years to finally say, "Hello, I have a crush on you."

7. Grayse is a definite bonus for going to the ATL next weekend!!!!

8. John Legend is coming to Columbia, SC next month! I'm so excited! I need someone to go with me though! He'll be here Nov 12.

9. G and I are still communicating. He's expanding his business which has him hellafied busy.

10. Has anyone heard that new song that talks about "Rednecks, Cuhluhdz, Snowflakes, Caucasians, Whites, Arabs, etc.... I don't give a damn what you are. Just get ya ass on the dance floor"? Last time I checked, Snowflakes, Caucasians, and Whites were the same race. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong! lmao That shit cracks me the fuck up!!! He says Cuhluhdz like Jamar does!!! I called him, after I text'd him, and he was rolling with me. Then he told me, "Bye Cuhulud!" And I laughed some more!


I can't wait till bike week! I know it's a ways off, but I can't wait to kick it for 5 days, all day and all night with Jamar and G! Damn... I miss ya'll!!! Smooches!

FYI... I'm considering taking L.C.'s idea of doing top ten lists for November... stay tuned!!!

AND I hope ya'll didn't forget to turn ya clocks back! *In my country twang accent* We guhna git uh eckstra hour uhf sleep naaow, folks!

Thanks for coming by, God bless, and goodnight! *Russell Simmons*

27 October 2005

Will I Make It Next Year?

My bro-in-law, niece, some friends, and I met at a Mexican restaurant before driving over to my nephew's last JV football game of the season. Let's remember... he's attending a Christian Private School (Ben Lippen). After dinner, well, I knew that my stomach would prolly be making some odd movements, because that's what Mexican food does to me. Well, as soon as we get to the game, I can feel my stomach start to bubble. I sucked it up, and focused on the game so I wouldn't think about it! And it worked... well... for a little while.

The game is going great, halftime is over, and it's 4th quarter with 36 seconds to go in the game. We're winning 0-12, and I'm loving that goose egg on the board for Cardinal Neuman. Why? Cause that's the way to end the season!!! So... Cardinal Neuman is on the 10 or somewhere near it, their field sucks, can't see shit... they don't even have hash marks (Lisa calls them hashbrowns) on the field, and they throw the ball AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD it's not caught. There was ONE C.N. player and like 4 of our guys in the corner of the field near the endzone. The C.N. fans start yelling about the ref not calling pass interference, and ya'll, I swear, there was NO pass interference! I'm a fair fan. If there's a penalty, I'm cool with it. Well, the refs had already blown their whistles and I'm watching the players line up for the next play, and I catch these two refs walking back to the corner where the last play ended. Mind you, the C.N. fans are still yelling at the refs about some damn pass interference bullshit. I turn my head and these refs are standing about 5 feet apart. One's back is to the out of bounds line and the other's is towards the middle of the field, and they are standing around the 5 yard line. I swear it looked like these two heffas were conspiring about something.

I bet their conversation went like this:
Tire Around the Middle Ref: Is white hat looking?
Skinny Ref: No.
Tire Around the Middle Ref: You think I can throw the flag now?
Skinny Ref: He's not looking and I won't say anything.

Next thing I see is Tire Around the Middle Ref reaching for his flag, he seemed to look at Skinny Ref for one more confirmation that white hat was not looking, he bent his left knee and tossed that muthafucking bitch ass yellow flag on the damn ground!

Please remember... these muthafuckin heffa ass refs blew the whistle like three damn hours ago (it was actually about 10-15 secs)! These two trifling white ass muthafuckas turned around and waved white hat down to show him the trifling ass shit they just did!

Me Screaming: What the?!!! You can't do that!!!!!!!! What are you doing?!?!!! You already blew the... whistle!!!!

I had to remember I was at a damn Christian fucking Private School and I had to contain my fucking profanitites! Got Dayum it!


On the outside I'm read in the face and biting my lip. My friend, Lisa, is looking at me, like, "I know girl. Just keep holding it in. I'm with ya."

I ask, "Can I at least yell boooooo?"

The African-American lady sitting behind me said, "No, sweetheart. You can't do that here."

I respected her rich ass, but damnit... let it have been one of these other rich, stuck up, corncob in their ass white bitches, I woulda been booing my fucking ass off!

And if I had gotten escorted off the damn field... oh damn well!

Let this have been last years rec games... and man... I woulda been yelling at the ref up and down his damn body!

Well, C.N. received 3, yup, that's right, THREE, TRES, 1...2...3..., I said T H R E E, got dayum it, 15 yard muthafucking penalties back to back after that crowd pleasing bitch threw that damn yellow ass flag.

I looked at Lisa and said, "God works in mysterious ways, and Karma is a bitch." God don't like ugly, ya'll. And I'ma prolly go to hell for this post! Fishgrease, will you please hold the door for me? heehee

What am I going to do this weekend? I'ma watch football and yell to the top of my lungs at every ref that makes a bad call so I can get this shit outta my system!

I'm glad my nephew's football season is over. I don't know if I coulda contained myself next week! I have a year to work on my containment skills! Anyone care to help?

I wrote this post in my mind while sitting on the toilet, MY TOILET, after I got home from the game! Not only did I have to shit, but I wanted to yell, "SHIT!" when that stupid ass, gotta make everyone like me bitch threw that damn flag! I hope he's reading this damn thing too! If you are... grow some damn balls!!!!!

23 October 2005


It's truly devastating to witness what teenagers deal with nowadays. You'd think society would become more positive with the younger generations overcoming the older generations. But NO! It seems to be JUST the same. Why? I don't know.

I have a magnet that frames a newspaper clipping that says: "No Child Is Born A Racist". And I truly believe this. We watch the young children play with their peers regardless of the color of each others' skin. One must be taught to discriminate, and society helps to teach discrimination, unfortunately.

Thursday night, I was at my nephew's JV football game. After the game, the players lined up from each team, and the cheerleaders lined up behind the football players in order to tell each other "good game". The school is teaching sportsmanship and respect... GREAT!! As the last cheerleader approached her turn to give her respect to the other team and their cheerleaders, my mom and I watched as this African-American teenage girl was treated as if she were dirty and below the students of the other school. I saw this child receive a couple of high fives, but the majority of this school's students would not touch this child. Yeah, I'ma put the school on blast, too!!! The school's name is Heathwood Hall, and it's located in Columbia, SC. The school is a dominantly white, financially rich, private school, and Ben Lippen, my nephew's school beat them in a "wet ya pants" kinda game. A win NEVER felt so good! Especially after watching how the school's students treated this girl. I kinda felt sorry for her, but at the same time I knew she would grow stronger from this event. Tragic, but it won't kill her. I hope that she embraces this treatment in order to make her grow stronger as the person she has and will become.

That night, I watch the 11 o'clock news, and I see that the referees in Ohio would not allow an African-American teenager play in a football game. Why? Because he has no legs. However, the highlights I watched of this young man playing in a game led me to believe that the referees were discriminating against him, because... well.. I dunno. The young man said, "They won't let me play, because I can't wear cleats." WHAT?? This young man was fast as hell using his arms as his legs! I even watched him make a tackle! WTF is wrong with people these days? Give our children the chance they deserve to prove to themselves that THEY are able to do anything they put their minds to!

Our children can teach us so much! We, all of us, just need to open our eyes, minds, and ears to learn from them! Discrimination is yielded from Fear and Envy.

Envy and Fear is NOT the way to live.

This morning in church, our pastor told us a story of a set of twin brothers. It goes like this:
One of the twin brothers was envious of the other, because he believed his brother was better than him. The other twin excelled with better grades, and the other twin seemed to make more money when working. One day the envious twin was walking down the beach and came across a bottle with a cork in it. He picked up the bottle, popped the cork, and a genie appeared from the bottle.

The genie told the twin, "You have three wishes that I will grant to you. Choose your wishes wisely. Whatever you wish for, I must give to your twin twice."

The twin's first wish was for $10 million dollars. The genie granted this wish, and the twin's brother was given $20 million dollars.

The twin's second wish was for him to be loved by a beautiful, vivacious female that he had a crush on in school. The twin was granted this wish. And guess what? His brother had an even MORE beautiful and MORE vivacious female fall in love with him!

The genie told the twin, "You have one more wish for me to grant upon you. What is your final wish?"

The twin requested the genie to scare him half to death.
End of story.

You'll receive NOTHING by being envious of your neighbor. You have been blessed with what you have for a reason for only God to know. Go read Mathew Chapter 20 for further insight.

I hope everyone has had a fabulous weekend! And I hope your week proves to be prosperous!!!

God Bless!

Edited Monday, Oct. 24, 10:40pm
I just learned that Rosa Parks passed today. All that she worked for to give US equality, and we are STILL working towards acting in a civil manner towards everyone. Her actions during the civil rights movements were not unnoticed, and I hope we will all continue to carry out her dream, as well as other civil rights activists!
RIP Miss Rosa Parks!!!! And thank you!

16 October 2005

The D word

We're damned if we do, and we're damned if we don't.

It's not a river.

I'ts a freakin OCEAN.


How do we keep from drowning in it?

09 October 2005

MICHELLE LEIGH BOLTON FAIRFAX 9-01-1968 to 10-09-2005

You've reached that higher level of living.
You will be missed in your earthly being,
But will continue to be loved forever.

Your beautiful soul has come and gone,
and those who encountered you will always know
that You were worth all in gold.

You told us it would be okay,
And I know that you are.
Eventuallly, we will be okay, too.

No, it's not fair that your life was cut short by this
Outrageous killer, C-Murder.
But God has called you home
And I know that you are healthier and happy.

You went as peaceful as you came.
I stood there and held your knee as I heard your last breath
Leave your body.
It was a bittersweet moment watching
My Sissy leave this Earth to join her Father.

No longer do you struggle for pure vision.
No longer do you ache.
No longer are you in pain.
I even bet Grandaddy had two pieces of apple pie waiting for you!

What I'd give to have 10 million more moments with you.
But for now, I'll live those moments with your children.
For you live thru those children.

All the memories we created
Flash thru my mind as if they were real photos.
Remember climbing Greybeard?
Who knew we would reach the summit of that mountain
Before dark (the hike was actually 6 hours, Mickey, NOT 3) LOL.
Rock Hoppin, Lookout Mountain, Montreat, Shopping together, riding to Baltimore to find me an apartment, Christmastimes, Thanksgivings, Birthdays, Sundays at church, Sunday dinners, Tailgating at the football games, walking the neighborhood for daily exercise, the go-cart, the golf cart (both of them), touring DC together, graduations, your wedding, the birth of your children, MOVING (YUK!), FOOFIFFLE, Granny's Pie, "Jerry, Bring the clock!", "ooooh Charles", "You don't even know!", Margaritas on your back porch, beers on your back porch, picnics, the north pole in the house in Williston, The Goonies, Go Cocks!, Mom and Sally Fields and Tyne Daly, goodie bags in Granny and Papa's car, Cherokee, Disney World, The Beach, PuttPutt, eating out just because, tricks we played on one another, and all those other wonderful times we spent together!

We're gonna get through this.
Strong family we are.
You just help OUR Father to prepare our rooms for us,
When He's ready to call for us to come home.
Cuz you're the 0nly one who knows how we like it!

I know you'll continue to be with us,
And I'll forever feel you beside me.
We'll NEVER let go!
I love you.
Rest peacefully My Dear, Sweet, Beautiful Sissy.

08 October 2005

Splish Splash

My Homeboy wakes up at 3:45AM and yells, "Hey~! YO!!! What tha?" When he stays with me, he has the habit of waking up and wanting everyone else to be up too, so I tried to ignore him. Then he says, "Yo! Ash! U got water in ya floor! Has it rained that damn much? Yo, u got a flood in your apartment!" At first I thought, "Are you serious?" Then I told him, "D, go do what you gotta do and shut up! I'm sleep! There ain't no damn.... ummm... what's that noise?" I could hear what sounded like water overflowing from something. It sounded like a mini waterfall.

I sat up in my bed and put my feet on the carpet.... "WTF?!?! It's a damn puddle here!" D turns on the hall light and u could see his footprints in the carpet.

We start chasing down the sound of the mini waterfall. It wasn't the toilet, THANK GOD! That coulda been some nasty ass shit! YUCK YUCK!

When I lived in Baltimore, my apartment building had sewer issues, because the huge trees in front of our building had their roots growing into our sewer pipes! Like those trees had the right to allow THEIR roots to grow whichever way they wanted. One day I came home from work and I had nastiness all over my bathroom to clean. No water, just nastiness, but I did notice that there was no water in the bowl of the toilet. I scrubbed that bathroom from wall to wall and I scrubbed all the fixtures with bleach. I wasn't taking ANY chances! THEN... ONE NIGHT while I was sleeping, I woke up to this gurgling noise. The sewer lines backed up into my tub! So... I had to clean that shit too! LITERALLY! Overflowing toilets, because I used to much toilet paper or dropped a huge load, just didn't happen to me... unless there was a clog in the sewer lines. The apartment management team finally cut down all the trees in front of our building except one. After they uprooted these trees, we had no more problems. But it took them almost a year to figure out what the issue was they had to solve.

Sooo... I'm walking around on wet carpet and as I take each step my feet are covered in water, COLD water! I watch D walk over to the AC unit and I'm like... WTF are you doing? It's gonna get hot as hell in here! So... I looked after he walked away, and it looked fine to me, but it WAS 4AM. Finally, we noticed that as we walked closer to the hot water heater closet, the water got deeper. We opened the door and water was skeetin' everydamnwhere! I looked at D, started laughing, and said, "Skeet skeet skeet!" But, seriously... it was wetter than Niagara damn falls up in there! We even got an unwanted shower. However, right about now, at 10:43am, it would have been well welcomed! We found where to shut off the water and turned that shit off! I pee'd in the toilet, not thinking twice that this would be my last flush for a while, and flushed the toilet. I grabbed some towels and decided to start soaking up some water... ummm... bad fucking idea. The towels are now part of the huge pool of water that is in my apartment. I called the "emergency maintenance number" and got the damn front office answering machine. I was like... WTF kinda emergency damn maintenance is that shit? So, I leave a message in my oh so sweet and sexy sleeping voice, walk thru the huge pool of COLD water that my carpet is trying to soak up, and examine where the water has traveled.

I don't know what I did to my hot water heater cuz it burst all over the damn place, but I'm glad D heard it hissing early, cuz there wasn't too much damage! There's water in my closet, all in the hall way, about a foot into the living room, and all on one side of my bedroom. My bookcase is probably ruined and the front end of the bottom of my grandmother's dresser is damp. I got D to lift the dresser so I could slide a plastic bag underneath it to prevent the wood from soaking up anymore water. I hope it's not ruined. I love that dresser! It's been around since I was a baby! heehee Anywho. I grabbed a DRY towel and placed it by my bed so I could dry off my feet and take my ass back to sleep, since emergency maintenance seemed to be some bullshit. I couldn't do shit with the water and there are NO stores open at 4AM where I can buy a shop vac and a hot water heater. I climb back in the bed and think, DAMN... no football game for me tomorrow/today!

D turns over and says... "Damn! I'm a soldier! That's what woke me up and made me have to pee! U and that damn trina! Now u get to experience what Louisiana went thru!" I told him, "I'm just glad it's not that extreme!" D said, "I'm just glad it didn't rain like I thought it had when I stepped in the flood!"

We both laughed, then rolled over, and went to sleep.

15 minutes later, I woke up and my stomach was all cramped up and I knew I had to tramp back through the COLD water to sit upon my throne! I stood up from the toilet and... "ummm... wtf? SHIT! I flushed the toilet too damn early! I don't have any damn water!!! fuck." I lit an incense, closed the seat of the toilet, kept the fan running, and shut the door behind me. I found my bottle of hand sanitizer and washed up, cuz, damnit, I didn't have any water! I, also, thought about Luke and how he can't stand it when someone doesn't wash their hands after using the bathroom. Luke, you were the inspiration for me finding my hand sanitizer! Then I climbed in the bed and D (my black and korean friend - BB) said, "You ain't got no water! Damn. Your bathroom gonna stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!" And he started laughing! I looked at him and said, "Fuck you, shut up, and go to sleep!" And we bothed started laughing. Before I sat on the bed to dry off my feet, I splashed around in the puddles surrounding my bed and started giggling. D rolls over and looks at me and says, "Look lil girl... now is not the time to splash in ya puddles." I laughed, splashed around some more, then got in the bed.

I was supposed to get up at 8:30 to shower and dress to meet my sis at her place to get ready to go to the Kentucky vs. S. Carolina "Basement Bowl". AND... it's supposed to rain, which means it will be a fun and exciting football game! Ain't nothing like some muddy football! I did and didn't wanna go. For some reason, I've been real tired lately and I was looking forward to sleeping in.. and afternoon football games in the south are hot and sweaty... BUT FUN!

I ended up waking up at 8:15, because my mom called to give me an update on my older sis... she's back in the hospital. We'll talk about that later tho.

I called my younger sis to tell her I couldn't go to the game and that she needed to call Mom to tell Mom that she would take our nephew to the game. I explained to her that Mini Trini blew thru my apartment via my hot water heater early this morning and that I didn't know when I would hear from maintenance. She offered to let me come to her place to shower so I could still go to the game, but I reminded her I needed to be here for maintenance. So, she's taking my nephew to the game and four tickets will be wasted, because my parents and I aren't going and my younger sis isn't using her ticket. My nephew scored tickets with great seats from some friends of his parents. I hope they have a GREAT time!!! For real! Now that I think about it... I wish I was going. BUT... Kentucky might kick our ASS!

Ok... back to my MINI TRINA!

So... at 9AM I hear a knock on my door. I think, "hmmm.... could this be maintenance?" I opened the door AND SHO NUFF... There stood my maintenance man - *ahem* that works in the apartment complex fixing things. He told me that his beeper didn't go off. I looked at him and said, "Sure it didn't! We know you were sleep at 4am!" and I laughed so the dude wouldn't think I was being too big a bitch! He opened the closet to the hot water heater and said, "Looks like you need a new one." I thought, "Duh... ya think? I kinda figured that shit out when the flood waters decided to invade my apartment doofus!" Maint. Genius says, "I can have one put in real quickly, you have an easy one." I said, "Okay. Well, I'm sleeping right now. Can you come back at 11:30?" Of course he will... and he's going to bring his posse with him so that they can suck up the carpet pool. What... when he told me that... was I supposed to jump up and down for joy? SHIT. I had been living like this for 5 hours. I had already adjusted to the new living situation (no water and shit in my toilet - that's my fault, I guess, but damnit... I had to go!).

So, now I'm sitting here like.. WTF... I never went back to sleep, he coulda fixed that shit then! I'm up now, I feel nasty, I can brush my teeth cuz I have bottled water, but I can't do shit else! At least I do have electricity, food, water to drink, my belongings, and a sense of humor! One of my boys told me... "You should make the best of the situation! Invite some of ya girlfriends over, throw on some white tees, and roll around in the carpet pool! It's an instant wet Tshirt contest!" At this point, I'm ready to roll around in the carpet to get clean! LOL

about an hour ago, I realized D HAD turned off the AC! I was in here sweating like a whore in church! I had to call him and tell him that he's fired, because he turned off the AC and was complaining about being hot! LOL Fucker.

So... this is how my Saturday has started and I'm tired as a marathon runner. Now maintenance is here fixing things!!!! Yippeee!!! I'm getting closer to being able to take a shower!

04 October 2005

ok... enuf serious shitakee mushrooms

I'm trying to stop cursing (reasong for "shit"akee)!
But, damnit... it ain't fucking working! It's just too much fun to curse! It makes everything funnier!

So... I'll keep "trying", but I'll prolly fucking fail! LMAO


I've decided to NOT blog about my "family shit" anymore... well... at least for a week or two. So, let's have some fun!

1. Why do dogs sniff ya crotch when you first walk into their domain? I mean, seriously! Every dog I have greeted sniffs my crotch! It doesn't matter if the dog is male or female, they keep right on walking up to my crotch and saying "hello" with their nose! I've heard it said that if a human female has a yeast infection or smells down there (and we ain't talking about roses) a dog will sniff the female's crotch. Well, folks, I do NOT have a yeast infection and my shit definitely don't stank! I was at my sis's house Sunday afternoon, and as I walked into the front door, the damn dog stuck his snout in my crotch! I looked at him and said, "NO! That's not YOURS!" He politely removed his snout, and I immediately went to the bathroom to take a sniff myself, cuz I got worried! Nope... it was all straight! A family I dog sit for on the regular... their dog always puts HIS nose in my crotch too! WTF! I don't get it! Is it just that the crotch area is right at their height? So they decide to kiss ya there? I don't know... but it's kinda uncomfortable for a dog to come up and put his snout right in ya crotch. Especially when ya clit is right at his nasal bone! Later I watched the dog playing with my nephew and when the dog got rambunctious... he headed straight for my nephew's "private" area and looked like he was going to bite him there! I yelled, "OH no!!! Watch ya penis boy!" My nephew (13) started laughing, and I was thinking, "Shit, that's ya family jewels boy! That dog could take it off in one chomp!" Yeah, I knew they were playing, but damn... the dog doesn't need to play with those! So... why do dogs go straight for people's crotch area, but sniff other dogs' butts?

2. WTF is up with these weird ass new television shows? Surface, Invasion, LOST (I know it's the second season), and there's another NEW one.... They all talk about weird alien type shit. Is someone trying to tell us something? Seriously, where are these producers/directors/writers getting this shit? Someone either has an extremely unusual and active imagination OR there's seriously some weird shit in this universe! And then there are movies about all these ghosts, exorcisms, aliens, terrorists, and natural disasters! I believe in ghosts. I really do believe they exist. Shoot... My girl was down last Thursday hanging out with me and helping me to get my apartment in order, because I lost it sometime last week with all the clutter due to going back and forth from work, the hospital, my sister's house, and coming home to crash. Well, Friday morning she's sitting on the toilet *with the seat down* and I'm doing my hair getting ready for work, and we're talking. She puts down her juice cup and 2 seconds later, that damn cup starts sliding across the damn countertop. She looks at me, I look at her, and we both look like what the fuck just happened? She made an excuse that there musta been some water on the bottom of the cup to make it move like that. I slept with my lights on until last night. Fuck that. If I hear anything go "bump in the night" all my lights are on and I'll just pay the damn electric bill. If I see something strange happen, like that damn cup... lights on, period. Aliens... hmmm... I don't know if they are out there or not. However, I have an ex boyfriend who swears he and our old roommate saw a UFO the night before I moved in back in 1999. He said he was at the top of the stairs in our apartment and there was a bright light shining through the highest window in the apartment. Let's just say it scared the shit outta me, and I never slept ONE night alone in that apartment! We know asshole terrorists exist, and we know natural disasters occur. However, how strange is it that a movie called The Hunt For Red October was made, and a few years later, a Russian sub was stuck in the bottom of the ocean, and the damn Russians didn't want our help. Actually, it's happened twice now. Seriously... this shit is real strange! Then there are these damn demon and Christianality movies (The Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Constantine, Relic, etc.). Man... demons and the devil really exist ya'll. The Emily Rose movie... based on a true story! I won't go see it, cuz I know it's going to scare the shit outta me. Constantine got to me, but not as bad as I know Miss Emily Rose will. I wanna go see it outta curiosity, but know I do NOT need to go see something that is going to scare the piss outta me. The Exorcist was bad enough, and I saw all of them. Shit, THEY, the movie about the closet monsters... I slept with the lights on for three months. The first night in my apartment after watching this movie, I tied my closet doors together so they could not open, just in case there was something in there. Seriously, where do these people get these ideas?

3. Road trips. They can be a lot of fun AND educational. I rode with a friend to NC over the weekend so he could drop some things at his mom's place. We rode thru this little town called Salemxxxxx something or another. It is the home the NC Police Academy (that's not the name of it tho). Basically, if someone wants to be a cop, they have to come into this town to attend the school to become a cop. This little town was dead as dirt on a Sunday. It seemed like a ghost town. The only people seen were the ones traveling on this little country two lane highway. BUT... my friend reassured me that during the week, this little town is bustling busy! I learned that the only way this little town thrives is off of this police academy. It was a cute little town.... and on each side of the city limits were beautiful green fields and cotton fields. We were definitely in the country. We even saw a dead wild turky... someone ran over it. I spent 8 years in "the country" and will claim being a country girl till the day I die. HOWEVER... I'm more Southern than country. Country is more related to being a redneck and I don't really fit that description! LOL Anywho... me and this friend learned we have a lot in common: music, nature, family morals, small town kids, and traveling. It's always a lot of fun to take a road trip with a friend, new or old, to see what you can learn that you already didn't know about your friend.

4. I'm a procrastinator. Yup. I sure am. I was supposed to call and order this packet for me and a coworker so we can start making money together on disability screenings. Man, I ain't ordered that packet yet. I need to get on it though, before my coworker bounces on the idea. I decided that I want to go back to school to change my profession, but I haven't done anything BUT obtain my transcript to take to the school. I know that I need to make a career change, because I'm learning that there will be no room for growth in the agency I currently work for. We have a position open in our "drop in" center, but they won't consider someone with 4-18 years experience working with this population IF the person does NOT have a master's degree, because the person working this position has to be able to complete assessments. When I lived in Maryland, I was doing all the things these Master level employees are currently doing (assessments), and I can't be considered for this job, because I don't have a masters? SHIT. Some of these Master level clinicians have NO idea of what they are to do when they enter the workforce, because they went directly to grad school before obtaining any kind of experience. And they're willing to hire outside the agency for a master's level clinician who has no experience before thinking of hiring a clinician with a bachelors and years of experience with the population who already works within the agency AND knows the clients? WTF? Experience vs Education... YOU tell me. Experience IS Education to me. BUT... I'm just the employee. WTF do I know? So... this has put a tiny pep in my step towards getting my ass down to Midlands Tech to turn in my transcript so I can make more than this measly master's level clinician position. Hmmm... 34K/year vs. 50K-60K/year.... Look out Tech, I'm on my way!!!!

5. Thanks to Leon and his BIRD luck... I'm sitting here typing this blog and I keep hearing something thumping at my sliding glass door. My first thought: It's a screened in porch... WTF is out there? I turn around to see a bird flying into the door. My first thought: How the fuck did that bird get in the porch? So... I had to think quick, cuz I'll be damned if that bird was gonna 'shat' all over my porch! I don't know what kind of bird it was, but it was little and it was scared to death. I could see it's little heart beating so fast and hard thru his chest, I felt sorry for it. And he musta been breathing heavy, cuz it's beak was open, but no sound was coming out. So... I searched for my gun... lmao... SIKE! Just kidding! I grabbed a dish towel so I could use it to scoop up the bird and take him thru my apartment and out my apartment door, because I don't have a door on my porch to allow the bird to go out. I walk onto the porch and stand there for a few minutes just to allow the bird to calm down. Shit, I ain't want the bird to croak on my porch from a heartattack! After the bird settles on the screen, I try to throw the towel over it to rescue the bird. Man, that bitch snuck out from the towel every time and would fly higher on the screen. I ain't but 5'5"!!! So, I had to wait some more and HOPE that this fucker wasn't going to shit on my head as he flew over me. Finally, he gave up on the screen. I guess he figured he wasn't going to get out that way, and he sat on the floor of the porch. I tried to get him to walk underneath the wall of the porch, but he wasn't getting it. I guess they don't understand sign language or English. All these years, people been talking how sign language is the universal language! So... I threw the towel over the bird, scooped him up in my hands, made sure he couldn't get out of the towel when we entered my apartment, opened my front door, closed my front door, and opened the towel to let him/her fly free. I could feel his/her heart beating against the palm of my hand. It was almost poetic! I'll never forget my birdie friend. *sniff sniff* LOL Leon... ya story was funny as hell, but mine is sweet! I just rescued a bird from my porch today! A little bird... And guess what, Leon... I bet it'll shit on my car later! LOL NOT.... it's going to remember me and tell all it's friends to NOT shit on my car when I wash it! LOL Leon, feel free to send PETA to my blog if they get pissed by yours! Shit, I know you sent that bird my way, hustleman.

02 October 2005


The week was okay. Nothing to brag about.

My weekend was very enjoyable! I made a new friend and smiled and laughed a lot over the weekend! (HEY Jai!!!! waving ferociously)

Until today.

My bro in law called this morning asking me to watch my niece during the afternoon while my sis and broinlaw attended a funeral.


No problem.

They come home and my older sis heads for the bed. I can understand that. She's weak. She's tired. And the medication adds to her "weakness".

She continuously asked me what was wrong. NOTHING was wrong. I reassured her SEVERAL times that I was OKAY and NOTHING was wrong with me. But she kept insisting that something was wrong with me! I wanted to ask her, "What? Do you WANT something to be wrong with me?" I don't have anything to talk about! WTF?

So... one of our choir members delivers food for dinner, and I am then kicked out, because she wants to sleep. That's cool, and I can understand. I got things I need to do anyway.

I'm on my way home, and my older sis calls while I'm 10 minutes out from my apartment. She says, "I can call you back when you get in your apartment, if it will be easier for you to talk." I tell her, "Nah. Go 'head. I can talk and drive."

Older sis:
"Ash, I'm worried about you. You don't seem like yourself."

"I'm fine. If there was something wrong with me, I'd tell you. Just because I don't smile and laugh all the time, doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is that I worry about you and your family. But, if I didn't worry, I wouldn't be doing my familial duty."

"I know you went thru something similar a few years back. I know you'll never be able to have a family, and I'm sorry. I just hope that one day you'll find that kind of happiness."

Me thinking: WTF?
Me saying:
"I'm okay. I'm past all of that."

Me thinking:
Why the hell is she bringing this shit up? And...... *screaming in my head*

While I was visiting with my sister, I learned how narrow minded she is... and it bothered me. She claims to be a Christian, but doesn't support homosexuals (which means she "would like to watch Ellen and hear her comic relief, but she's gay, and I just can't support her"-she said this Thursday night... I was like... gotdayum... are you for real?). Me thinking: Doesn't God want us to LOVE everyone? Hmmm.... I didn't say a word, cuz... well... I didn't wanna upset her. She was getting ready to sleep.

Today, we were discussing my younger sister and our beliefs that she is gay. Hell, I don't have a problem with it. She's my sister, and I'ma love her regardless! As long as she and whoever she is with is happy, so be it. My older sister is saying how she thinks that our younger sis understands that she is to not talk about that type of stuff in my older sister's house and I'm thinking: "WTF? What are we allowed to and not allowed to discuss in your house? Has shit changed that much?" So, my younger sis can't discuss her sexuality. Ok. That's not really fair. But my older sis can voice how much she's against certain groups of people? C'mon.

Then my older sis turns and says, "You don't really bring men around to meet us either."

WHoA! HOLD UP! Pump ya brakes sister!

Me thinking:
"The way you all talk about YOUR husband and how no man will ever compare to him, why should I feel comfortable bringing any man around you or the rest of the fam at all?"

Me saying:
"I'm not going to bring just ANY man I'm dating home to meet you all. When I get serious with someone and it lasts longer than 2 months, I'll THINK about bringing him to meet ya'll. You all aren't in agreeance of the type of man I date anyway. Hell, you all judge the man before you meet him anyway."

"Yeah, I guess we are kinda hard on you. And we'd probably be kinda hard on the man if we were to meet him. It's just that we want the best for you. That's all."

"Yeah, I know. I'm not going to settle for less than what I deserve."

Then I change the subject. I'm tired of it being brought up that I'm not married yet. WHO CARES? Maybe God doesn't want me to marry! Maybe God has a certain man designed for me, and when it's time, he'll introduce me to this man! WTF?

So, now I'm home and all I hear her saying is, "You'll never be able to have a family."

In 2003 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and as a "cure" I underwent a radical hysterectomy. The surgeon removed everything except my ovaries, because I am young, and to give me a chance to have a genetically linked baby. I can still have a baby, but I don't want to have a baby, until I meet the man who will be my husband. I have 5 very close and out of this world friends who have volunteered to be my surrogate mother when I'm ready to have a child. HEY KIM, ERICA, KRISTI, CHANTELL, AND BRANDY!!!! I LOVE YOU !!!! Erica volunteered first. She went to all my doctor appointments during this difficult time. She was like my sister during this difficult time! She was my shoulder to cry on and my greatest support system! My other girls hung in there for me too! Ya'll mean the world to me and I wouldn't trade you in for N E thing!

What has me worried is: Did my sister say these things, because she believes I'll never find a man, because I can't bear children? The thing is... I CAN have children... THROUGH another female! The child WILL look like me and the father, because it is from MY egg and the man's sperm.

I'm angry and hurt all at the same time.

Just because MY life didn't turn out like my sister's, it doesn't mean that my life has no purpose or meaning! There are a lot of females out there who can't bear children and are married, in love, and happy.

I just can't believe my sister came out and said some shit like that! I'd never say anything to hurt her like that!





I'm so hurt.