This Woman's Worth

22 April 2006


pick the stereotype that fits you the most...
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be smart.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUSTmust not believe in being responsible.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be over-dramatic.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I DON'T LIVE WITH MY CHILD, so I MUST be a dead beat parent.
I'm ATHLETIC, so I MUST be stupid.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST drink and do drugs.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be gothic.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a stupid ditz.
I'm WHITE, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virign.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITHA MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm ITALIAN, so my family MUST own a pizzeria.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST not care about people's feelings.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I'm a sk8er ,so i must be popular.
I'm BRAZILLIAN, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST rob, do graffiti and stab people.
I WEAR GIRL PANTS, so I MUST have no friends.

this is to help people understand that stereotypes are dumb! and normally are not correct...get to know people dont judge them! When will it end?

21 April 2006


Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

These are the rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a$$ always messing up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor or police, if the supervisor is the irritant, you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping.....and have a great day!

19 April 2006

Seeking Employment Elsewhere

My week has been HELL! And it's ONLY Humpday.

Last Friday, Good Friday, my coworker and I had scheduled a day trip for our clients. Well, we only had ONE client decide to go and we cancelled the day trip. We are NOT gonna go out of our way to do something special for just one person for the entire day. Plus, I didn't have any bill time (our salary is based on our production) so the day trip was a waste for me. My coworker and I decided that we would go back to the office, do some paperwork, then head home for the afternoon. Well, being that our supervisor was on a day trip herself, we didn't think to call her, but we left her a note on her desk informing her of what occurred.

A few weeks ago, I got sick while at work and needed to go home. I couldn't get in contact with my supervisor, so I left her a note letting her know that I went home. Never heard anything negative about it.

Well, my supervisor returned to work on Tuesday. She entered our office, shut the door, and handed us a piece of paper titled "Written Reprimandation".

I'm thinking: "WTF! I'm getting written up? For what?"

Yes. I was written up for leaving work early and for not contacting my supervisor to gain her permission for leaving work early. *huge sigh*

Ya'll, I have NEVER been written up before on a job. I've been fired. But NEVER written up! I was pissed at myself for not even trying to contact my supervisor to let her know what was going on and that we were heading home. THEN... I learned the REAL reason why I was being written up for this shit!

Our CEO had approved leave for the entire office except 2 people on Good Friday. Their office is on the other side of town from where my office is located, and one of the 2 people called out sick. So, Ms. CEO was stuck with one other person answering phones and trying to get work done. I call it poor management. So, I got written up for "insubordination".

As the day goes on, I'm end up brushing off the write up and focusing on other things... my clients problems for one thing and other things that I need to be getting done. By the time I got off work, I was cool.

This morning as my coworker and I get to work, my supervisor comes into our office again.

She claims that she fought with Ms. CEO all morning about getting our/my leave approved. And that Ms. CEO decided to leave it up to my supervisor and her supervisor. She said that she had already signed our leave slips and that she is going to approve our leave, because we have the time to take off. Ok, cool, thanks super. Appreciate you fighting for that! I'm sure if you didn't pay me for the 6 hours I didn't work, it'd hurt me next month.

So, she's walking towards the door, turns around, and says, "Ms. CEO is ready to dismiss you two."

Me thinking: "Excuse me? What did you just say?"

Super. says, "While we were arguing about your leave slips, she said that what you did is grounds for dismissal."

Okay... so now ya'll are thinking about firing my ass? OK! Please, don't wait too long! I been wanting to leave this unappreciative of your employees assed out place for the longest! Hell, fire me! I'll be the first one in the unemployment line tomorrow morning!! Sheeeit.

After super exits the office, I look at my coworker and she says, "Hell, we ready to leave the state anyway. My husband wants me to leave."

And I already KNOW I don't wanna be in no south.damn.carolina for the rest of my life. Ain't shit here but fam, and I can come back to visit them.

So, I'm now in the process of locating employment elsewhere. Preferably out of this damn state! And into a field that is gonna pay my ass some damn loot! Yes, I'm still planning to go back to school, but it ain't happening fast enough! And the waiting list to get into the program is like 3-5 years!!! UGH! But, everything is a freakin process! Right?

If there are any single, rich men out there who would like to have me clean their house, provide them with company, and give them sex to take care of me, let me know where you are! Heck, if you aren't single and would like to be my sugar daddy, let me know!

I kid, I kid!

17 April 2006


My Easter weekend went well! I hope all of yours did too!!!

My homeboy and I started it off with some sticky icky. He is the best smoking pahtna! He don't act all manly like you faking ass mofos out there! He gets silly with that shit too and I loved every minute of it!

We were watching Lord of the Rings: Two Towers, and we picked up on some unusual shit that we didn't when we were NOT high. Smeagul comforts himself when he's captured by the humans. Seriously! He's rubbing himself while he's talking to his significant other/dual personality. That was kinda freaky. THEN... the damn Lichens! Those big ass trees! OMG! One of 'em had an overbite!!! WTF! Why... why would someone give a TREE, of all things, an overbite? I guess it added character! I dunno.


Sunday came around and I made it to church, learned some valuable things, and after church, the fam and I went to the lake. We packed the cooler with beer and food - which was left at home (we bought more), hooked up the boat to my sister's Denali, then ventured into the sticks (that's the country for you city folk) to begin our trek to the lake.

It was beautiful!!! 90 degrees, sunny, blue sky, and us. There was NO ONE on the lake yesterday! It was odd, but we loved it! That meant we did NOT have to fight for an island to beach and start a fire to cook our food! We chose our island with a beach, dug a hole with the paddle because the shovel was forgotten too, and drank diet dr. peppers so we could place the grate on them around the fire. I swear... it took forever for that damn fire to smother... can't be any flames or ya food will cook too damn fast. BUT damnit... I was hongry hongry (that's the double word emphasis for how hungry I was).

We started cooking the sausage and the hot dogs while I was leaning on the boat. I trekked over to the boat from the point of the beach, because my stomach started bubbling. All I could think was, "This is NOT a good thing." My sister, the younger one, started laughing at me, cuz she could see me getting red in the face. My stomach was HURTING so bad that I was having to make myself breathe! I could feel the bubbles getting lower and lower.

Earlier, before finding the beach, my sister made sure we had papertowels on the boat... you know... for us women if we had to go. Our bro in law reassured us that there were papertowels on the boat. *wiping forehead in relief*

My sis and my nephew bring me a hot dog each and as I down the second dog, OMG.

"ummmm... Lynn (my sister)... ummm.. yeah! U think u can get in the boat and grab those papertowels?"

As my sister walks, EVER.SO.SLOWLY, to the boat, I'm thinking, "Walk faster please!!!!"

She's about 10 feet away when I say, "Yeah, ummm... u think u could speed it up? It's time."

She spits out, "Hey Ashley, Gotta go to the bathroom?" (from The Goonies)

When my stomach started bubbling, I sent my nephew up into the trees to find me a spot, a private spot, so that if I had to go to the bathroom, I could.

As my sister handed me the papertowels I took off for the trees. I walked up the leaf-filled trail to the top of the island, and hung a left. I saw, immediately, the clearing, but brush-filled, that my nephew told me about. I found the biggest tree, pulled down my shorts and bikini bottoms, and... "damn, what was that?"

I heard something that sounded like it was walking up on me. I looked between my legs and behind me, and damn... I had already started shitting! DAMN!

Let's just say that after I was finished, it looked like a damn bear had been in those trees!

As I was coming back down the path, I heard my sister yell, "Hey, Ashley, you took forever! You feel better?"

Me thinking: "Heck yes, I feel better! WTF do YOU think?"

About 45 minutes later, all of us are in the water, except my sister. She's sitting on the beach with "stomach cramps". Ten minutes later, I see her grabbing the roll of papertowels and hitting the trail. I yelled out to her, "Hey Lynn! Gotta go to the bathroom? Go to the left, not the right!" If she had gone to the left, she might have mistaken my poop for moss or a pile of algae. lol

When she came back down... she came down from the left of the trail. I yelled at her, "You dummy! I said go to the right!!!" Then I held up both hands in the form of the letter L and said, "your left hand gives you the L doofus!!!" She swore she went to the right. But there was NO way she went right. I bet that heffa had to go check out my dump pile so she could out do me! haha

Anywho... if you're ever on Lake Wateree outside of Columbia, SC and u hit the first island on the right, oops, I mean LEFT (holding up hands to see which one has the L). Don't go into the trees!!! I promise that there is a trail of poop lined papertowels on that island!

11 April 2006


At seventeen I visited my first nightclub. I was a teenager and curious about the nightlife. I had just started my first waitressing job and met Donna. She's was a fiery redhead with lots of pizzazz! I idolized her! Everything from her hair, her looks, her style of dress, to her independence.

I would go to her house after work and chill for a few hours. We'd play Nintendo. There wasn't a playstation back then. I used to beat her ass at Street Fighter... ONE and TWO! hahaha

On Thursdays and Saturdays we visited Xanadu nightclub in Myrtle Beach! Our first night there I was nervous. I wasn't 18 and I Just KNEW I wasn't gonna get in! Donna looked at me and said, "Don't worry about it! I know EVERYONE that works up in here!" I was like, COOL! My thoughts were: Damn... I'ma get in UNDER age AND I get to meet folks that work in a club! DAYUM! I'm about to be the SHIT!

Well, we got in... FREE OF CHARGE! heehee And our frequent nights at Xanadu led me to get to know the DJ's, bouncers, and bartendars. I met quite a few tourists by being a regular at this club. AND... my God given rhythm improved through frequenting Xanadu.

I made my first "tourist boyfriend" at Xanadu. I was the only white chick on the floor dancing to all the hiphop songs that the DJ would play. And I spotted the FINEST black men in the club. Tracy and Jason. Tracy was hawkin' me, and Jason was playing it cool. I walked into the DJ booth to talk to one of the DJ's and upon exiting the booth, Tracy pulled me aside. He led me to the dance floor and I shook my ass all up on his hot rod. Then, Jason jumped in front of me! It was my first sandwich! I wasn't sure what to do, so I just acted like I was riding a horse and shook my ass some more! I started feeling this poke in my ass and as I turned around and glanced down...

yes, men... when you poke us on the dance floor, and we turn around... we're turning around to catch a glimpse of what is poking us AND to make sure that we really did shake our ass all up on ya pleasure pole to where it became rock hard!

There it was... my first pitched tent on the dancefloor... and I caused it!!!!

Needless to say, I frequented different nightclubs on the regular during my remaining highschool days and all through college. And yes... many men went home at night wishing that they were taking this shakeable hips home.

Well, through college, I learned the art of seduction on the dancefloor and how it could lead to more pleasureable things after going home with my man.

I met Corey at Characters (a nightclub in Greenville, SC that is now a stripclub).

How come when a nightclub gets closed down it turns into a damn stripclub? Characters got shot up one night and they shut that shit down.

Anywho... Corey and I started dating. He attended a college 45 minutes away from me, but we made it a point to see each other on Wednesday nights at Characters and on the weekends. When Keith Sweat's "Nobody" played, Corey and I were heating it up on the dancefloor. If it hadn't been for all the sweaty bodies on the dancefloor and that we were fully clothed, one woulda thought that he was Osama and I was a cave and he was hiding inside of me. Seriously, the way we danced did nothing BUT get us ready to get back to our dorm rooms so that we could get back to our dorm rooms and get raunchy up in there!

Recently, my ex from B'more visited. Before Thanksgiving of last year, if you must know. When I met him, he took me to a club where he worked and I was just a wallflower, because I was out of my element. He's a DJ. So, we decided to visit a club here in Columbia that I was curious about, Club RA (pronounced RAH). Little did I know was that he seriously thought that this white chick was that NO.RHYTHM.HAVING.WHITE.GIRL. haha... I fooled his ass. "My Hump" played and I shook my big ole dunky all over his pole. I felt him grab my hips and it was like a well put together ham n cheese sammich. We were grinding like we hadn't even left my apartment. We weren't even on the dancefloor yet. We were upstairs next to the DJ booth.

He grabbed my hand a little after 11pm and said, "C'mon. It's time to show these bama's how we do." Remember, he's NEVER danced with me before. I was the wallflower at his club.

We get on the stage, front and center, surrounded by sweaty and, some, smelly folks. And I realized why I no longer go to clubs. Man... people be stepping on ya toes, running into you, hitting you with they elbows... and... UGH! By 1:30, I was ready to fight and my ex escorted me out the club. These mofos weren't even apologizing! And they was stepping all on my damn Gianni Bini's! I paid damn... okay, my mom did... good dinero for those bitches!

but... getting back to the dance...

I started shaking my ass... Mariah's party jam that was out, and I'm calling it that cuz I don't remember the name of the song, came on and my ass felt like it was doing it's own thang! I felt my ex crawl up on me and we started doing the nasty, rhythmically, on that stage. As he would turn me around, I would catch other men giving me the eye and I just grinned at them. Then my ex whispered in my ear... go get him baby. And I did... dude couldn't keep up. But he did try. Shakira's "LaTortura" came one... OMG... the Hispanic blood that is not in me started bubbling! And let's just say the night got better and better. My feet ached like someone had driven broken glass and nails up in 'em, but I had so much fun. AND, my ex became my baby that night. We had so much fun together!

It had been a LONG time since he and I had been out to have fun together! And we were both in our element... a club surrounded by music loving people and great sounds coming from the speakers. However, I haven't met a DJ who has anything on my ex... and I'm not being biased

I swear!

We got in my truck to come home and he leaned over and said, "You really surprised me tonight, baby."

Huh? WTF is he talking about?

HIM: "I have to admit. I've always been afraid to take you to a club. But now that I KNOW you got rhythm and you can shake your ass like that! Baby, I'll take you anywhere!!"

It really meant a lot hearing that come from him. He's not a big complimenting man. But that compliment meant a lot. I've always heard that I could move my hips, but hearing it come from a music and dance conoisseur (sp?) it meant the world. Now I KNEW that I could do my thang and hold my own on the floor!

Let's just say my hips talked to him that night and when we got home... we reminisced through body language! There's nothing like going dancing with your man, getting heated up, enjoying each others' company, building up your sexual appetite for one another, then coming home and exploding all over each other!

If you get the chance to dance with me, ever... and I shake my hips on you like I'm not wanting to control myself from being all over you, my hips aren't lying.

Everytime I hear Shakira's new single "Hips Don't Lie", I really think about that one night in Club RA and how my hips NEVER lie. That's my new jam!!!